branded by hate

Branded by hate? Have you ever felt the need to be angry when you are branded by such hate that you think and wonder what satisfaction one gets out of branding you?

Born in Dallas grew up downtown Dallas on McKinney Streets before we had to leave to make room for those fancy uptown restaurants and office buildings. Moved to Oak Cliff when I was in the middle of first grade. In my class room there were two Hispanics, myself and another. Well really I was the true little Mexican girl in that class. I am the oldest of four girls. I didn't grow up on Sesame Street. English was my second language. My parents would pay our neighbor to help me with my homework. So the first years of school were hard. Imagine a first grader in class wanting to go to the restroom and the teacher refused to let her go just because she couldn't say it in English. I was stuck in a class room were everyone else spoke English but me. I remember at recess no one was allowed to play with me. Yeah because I didn't know English. My teacher really liked me. She sure liked to only use that ruler at my desk. She would put me on the spot and ridicule me saying I had no father. I didn't realize till later that she was wrong. But I managed. I pulled myself through with a scar of hatred locked inside of my heart. It stays dormant. I never forget how hard it was, how hard it must have been for my parents to see me struggle. I graduated high school took college but just never really seamed to finish, maybe one day.

I deal with thieves at work on a daily basis. They think that they are outsmarting me.  I get mad at myself for allowing me to just stand there and take it but that is my job. Job something you don't like to do but it pays the bills. I gave up a great job once but that is the past. One day last year a white man got upset with me and said I belonged mopping the floors. I stopped what I was doing looked him in the face and said "Did I hear correct, did you just make a racial comment." He tried taking it back but it was too late. He should have not said it at all. I was so mad I went to the restroom to cry. I cried out of anger. I blamed my self for allowing him to say things like that to me. At work I have to just take it can't retaliate. Time passed then one day last month a black man that claims owns a restaurant got so mad at me he said that I probably have a green card because that is the only kind of people that work where I work. I couldn't believe that him being a business owner could say such a thing. When he noticed that I didn't get upset he went on to say that I am probably illegal and that I need to stick with my kind. This time I only got ridiculously mad. Yesterday was more of how dare you. An African woman with a passport not from the U.S. told me that I needed to cross back to the other side of the border. I said "Really, are you saying this to me?" " Wow." I still get upset, I get mad. What gives you the right to brand me to talk about my skin color? Who are you to say I don't belong here?

What makes a person go off and say something so racially hateful. I feel like it will become a routine to brand me so eventually it will not get to me, or at least that is what I will tell myself.

People get mad and say things that I don't know if they realize what they have said.  How does someone say something and not realize that someone like me can just snap? I can deal with the curse words, the threats, but sometimes I can't deal with this......the racial branding.

Don't judge me because you really don't know where I came from or who I am. I am as strong as I can be.