a christmas card

Have you ever had a best friend? No, really a best friend? A friend that would be like a sister or in some cases like a brother. Someone you talk to like a part of your family no hold backs? I met Jennifer my ninth grade of high school. She and I were two out of three girls in our class. We had to stick together. You see it was a class filled with boys and the third girl was prettier than us at least that's how the boys treated her. We decided from that classroom that we were determined to be the best friends possible. We would exchange letters over the summer. Talk on the phone about anything. She came to be the only other person that knew me, and I her. If something happened or we wanted to talk we were there for each other no matter what time of the night it was. I didn't celebrate my birthdays but she always wanted to make it a big deal. She was the first friend I had that spent the night at my house. She would drive from balch springs to come visit me in oak cliff. I would do the same. I helped her with her crushes on boys or whether she should cut her hair. I remember when she bought her new car how she came to the house so she could give me a ride in it. We didn't have prom dates so we went together as friends. I remember when she moved out, got her own apartment. I remember when she finally got a job that she liked and was happy to have my picture on her desk as a family member. She would say I'm her best friend from many many years. We'd even keep count of the years. I also remember when she was ready to be a mom. When I came out she took it as a surprise couldn't believe it but understood and was happy for me.

I moved to Kansas and we still kept in touch but it wasn't the same. She was beginning to prepare what she had always wanted...a family with someone that loved her dearly. As we got older her group of friends were not like my group of friends. Our likes were now our differences. When I moved back to Texas our friendship was still there but we wouldn't see or talk for months.

When I finally got a call it was too late. I didn't realize she had tried to find me. I was at work when I got the call. The last time I saw her she was laying peacefully.  I visited her mom just before the last goodbye and she and I cried together. She told me that Jennifer had missed me, that she was scared, that she wanted me to be there. I didn't know what to say. I just shared those moments with her mother and told her that I was sorry and that I didn't know. Jennifer seemed normal but no one knew it would end this way.

I think about her a lot. I think about the wedding she'd wanted the kids she'd have. I think about her birthdays. I think about her just out of the blue. One day I saw someone and stopped her to ask what her name was because she looked exactly like my best friend Jennifer. I mostly blame myself for not being there. I haven't been able to talk to her family. I wrote her mother once for her birthday. Turned out Jennifer always got a kick out off the fact that her mom's birthday was a day after mine. I never got a response.

I don't know how we let time pass by without speaking? I should have been a better friend. She was the only daughter to her mother. I wish I could turn back time. She needed me and I wasn't there. I never got to say goodbye.

I don't know if you have ever had a best friend? Not just someone that shows up sometimes but all the time. A friend that buys you a rose on valentines day because we weren't lucky to get them from someone else. A friend that didn't have to go drink to have a good time but met up at McDonald's to just sit there and talk. A friend that would miss lunch just to sit out and stare into space thinking about worries as time flew by. If you do have such a friend I can say that you are one lucky person. If you lost that friend go find them. If you haven't had such a friend maybe it's because they were there all along and you didn't realize it.

I came home one day last week from work asked Heather if she got the mail. Sometimes I don't even know why I ask her if I do it right after she does. She had gotten all the mail she said...so later when I went to check it myself I reached down my mailbox and found a letter addressed to me. As I began to open it tears poured down my face. Heather didn't know what was going on. It was the best Christmas card I could have received. Jennifer's mom mailed me a card with a special note in it.

It's been six years now that she hasn't been here. I still wonder what our lives would be like if she were here today.