a postcard and one year later a scar.

I was thinking how time catches up with you. Heather's mom came to visit us this past week, exactly a year ago Heather was with them in Missouri. She was there for Trevor's heart surgery. A very intense time in our lives. It was time to update Trevor's heart and it was important that Heather be there with him and their mom. I didn't go. I'd be in the way and might have made things worse.

I stayed home what would be a week and a half. I didn't tell anyone that I'd be alone in my house.  I actually enjoyed it for the beginning of the first two days. Went to work and came home. No one but me and the four legged babies. Then it hit me. I really felt alone. I'd never felt this way. Not only did I feel alone but life happened. By the end of the week I felt like having an emotional break down. I don't recall having the time to ever have an emotional breakdown but I was trying to find peace in my life and it was hard for that to happen. In this short time my sister Monica was in a terrible accident. She was able to walk away from the accident in spite of the car being totaled. I'd watch my sister cry hysterically as I tried to comfort her. I thank God that she was okay. The frustrating part was trying to find her racing to get to her without knowing if she was okay and not knowing her exact location. Her phone was damaged in the wreck so she had been using strangers phone to try to get a hold of us, me.

I also took a friend to the hospital. As I was leaving work one day someone stopped me and told me that a fellow coworker, friend was in massive pain without knowing what was causing it. I rushed her to the emergency room at Baylor, when I found her sitting at work crying from the pain I knew I had to take her to the hospital. I was there with her for hours. I don't regret being with her until I knew that she was going to be okay but was also worried for my little ones at home. It was coming up to eight in the evening and I hadn't made it home from leaving in the morning for work. As soon as she got a hold of someone to be with her, I left her. I had been with her for four hours and I was just exhausted. Other things were going on with family that was becoming hard for me to deal with. I still didn't want or felt like I needed help.

loves pizza

I ended feeling horrible and selfish. I'd always had Heather by my side. She'd always been my back up for help physically and emotionally. I felt bad for not having her here with me. Her brother was recovering from heart surgery and all I could think about was why she wasn't here with me. I understood that she needed to be there. Trevor is an important person in our lives. By the end of the week I finally couldn't take the stress and just about gave up on everything. I remember it was heading towards ten at night when I stopped to get gas. it was late dark and I was mad that I was running on empty and even this had bothered me. I got out to come around my car to pump gas when I young female started to approached me. I said " God, I'm sorry but if she asks me for money I'm going to go off on her". As she walks towards me I began to get angry. I hadn't had rest from work, family and now friends that were sick. I was upset that I had worked plus dealt with other obligations in my life that if she asked me for money I was going to just give her a piece of my mind. She said "hello" can I give you something?" I was confused and said "okay".  She handed me a postcard. She told me that I was welcomed to come visit her church. Thanked me and walked away. I got back in my car and burst into a mass crying hysteria. My car was still parked and I just sat there in tears. I read this as God sending me a message that he was still here. That even though I felt alone he was still with me watching me. That night I was able to finally sleep. Two days later I picked Heather up from the airport. One year later Trevor was sitting in our living room showing me his heart surgery scar.

I've always been the tough one. The one that can't feel weakness. The one that is always there when I'm needed. When I felt alone against the world, God found ways to tell me "I'm still here"