needing reassurance

Today was a rough day not because I was actually having one but my emotions were running all kind of different ways.

Getting a call at odd times of the night or morning will get you thinking that something is not right so it's almost a scary thought when you answer the phone. I can't question God you are just not allowed to do so. I am no one to question him but when you don't know why there are so many evil people in the world what I feel is just hate. Feel like I'm ready to give up. Told God today that I'm ready for the world to end. A little background I'm Mexican and yes we are filled with culture but it also has its downs. Feel like the life of a Mexican soap opera without the romantic tale more the bad mafia.

We walk through life not knowing who crosses our path. Do you really know somebody? No.

Today a man came in and told us that he ran through the back of the gas station where he worked last night because someone came into it shooting his co worker. He never thought working overnight would have him so scared to go back to work. He was going to have to look for another job. It seams the least of the worries, but what about the man that lost his life today. The man that worked double for the sake of love. The man that worked to save money to bring his girlfriend from Ethiopia to America. Isn't it ironic how one instant your life can change. Wanting to bring her to a country where you were gunned down by someone so they can rob the place you have worked, for a better future for you and your family. An honest man making an honest living while someone that chooses to do wrong holds your life in their hands.

No one any where is ever safe.

So many innocent people lose there lives to the unholy ones.  I needed a sign of reassurance in humanity.

I hate feeling like I have the world weighing me down.

Just when I think this is it I get another man that tells me that he has been helping a veteran for fourteen months. He grocery shops for him, does his laundry, picks his mail from an address to a different city, buys him his necessities........ when I think about this man I think about the fact that he doesn't get anything in return. He provides his time and his own gas. He could have stopped long time ago but he didn't. He tells me he does this three or four times a week. He does it from the kindness of his heart. You tell me who does this without anything in return.

That didn't equal out today. The bad still won. But I didn't ask God for it to be equaled out I asked him to give me something to go with. He did.

I prayed for my uncled today and God listened. I'll pray for the girlfriend that lost her love. I'll pray that the kind man will continue to have his kind heart. I've heard of praying for sinners but the only thing I can say is for them to come forward and pay for their sins.

Love one another today, right now the next second could be your last.

goodbye 2013, hello 2014

Well friends we have made it another year. I'm ready for the new one. If you are reading this thank you for taking the time to do so. Didn't get a lot of writing done this year but next year plan on doing some more, if you can take my silly writing.

A lot happened this year people got older some of us didn't make it. We lost someone we worked with due to cancer she was a fighter. She would say, pray for me I'm not ready. But God was ready for her. Another family friend got diagnosed with bone cancer just before Christmas this year. Let me just say cancer is a bitch. If you think about all the good and all the bad that happened in the world this year I'd have to say that the bad won. The bombings that took place in Boston to the tsunami that took place in Thailand. The tornadoes that hit Oklahoma and Texas to the hurricane that hit Mexico. People in Russia are being beaten for who they are. A&E network fired one of their characters and the list goes on. So much devastation no one is ever prepared.

When I think about the bad I have to say that I am one lucky person. I still have my family, still have my health, still have the love of my life. I get giggly inside when I encounter a sugar free desert. I take all the small good things that happen and blow it out of proportion to celebrate. For example when Heather was an illegal immigrant for about a month when the ordeal was over I celebrated it with wine. When the car kept going back to the mechanic over the inspection not passing I finally jumped with joy that it got its sticker on its windshield. See what I mean little victories are the best.

Did I mention that when DOMA died I cried, but cried from victory.

The year 2013 was good to us. Did a lot of tastings this year some where new like wine tastings in cedar springs, cheese tastings, beer tastings, candy tastings, coffee tastings......anything tasting is good. For 2014 I plan on doing soda tastings wonder how that will work. One thing I enjoyed doing this year was photo scavenger hunts. Found out that they are so much fun. Don't believe me try one. Maybe it's a plus for me since I take photos of anything. Randomness was the best this year. Example; waking up and grabbing breakfast tacos and going to the bookstore patio and eating them. We are fools I know.

All I can tell you from experience is that if I died today I can say that I have lived my life to the fullest. I don't have any regrets. I pretty much do anything I want just can't afford the big things but that is not ruining my groove at all. Ask yourself that question "have you lived to the fullest?" don't question what the heart wants just do it.

Please, please don't start the new year exercising. I mean how many of you actually kept last years resolution. Instead start something else. Be kind to one another the world is only here for us to live it. Next year will be better than this one we can only look forward with last years memories not regrets.

When midnight hits a flash of memories will start popping in your brain. You may feel sad, you may feel happy, it's okay to cry. When you sum up in one minute what the year was like take all the bad that happened and embrace it, it has made you stronger. Take all the good and be thankful. If you look to the left and look to the right and that person that was there is no longer there you will be okay things happen for a reason. People change you, I know they have me. So I may be on your right I may be on your left but if I'm not there at all well think about it, what happened this year.

I'll leave now before I start on my rants. But want to leave you with this.....are you wearing your red undies?

Cheers to you my friends and may 2014 be wonderful.

money talks

We live in a country where we have the capability to say whatever we want. Yes "Freedom of Speech" or do we really?

I don't live my life this way by choice, I live my life because that's just who I am. When I talk about myself I talk about me and the people in my life. I can't speak for everyone else. I can not and will not be categorized in a group to be miss interpreted or hated. Earlier this week a famous superstar mentioned that being gay leads to bestiality, but let me ask you this...REALLY?! In the past, from my hearing not seeing, have I only heard of straight people having this type of conduct. Never had I heard this about an LGBT person, but I might be wrong. He also mention a racist comment but I am assuming no one caught that because everyone who cared was only the LGBT community. I hate to say that I am labeled in a category that shouldn't even matter to this man. The way I live should not ever be important to a public figure, especially a superstar, unless he pays me to live the life I live. Just in case you don't know who I am speaking of it's Phil from the now more famous show Duck Dynasty. If it wasn't that popular it is now.

The thing is that I don't hate him nor do I feel offended by what he said. I can't blame a man that was taught to think this way. You can't get mad at ignorance, just brush it off and continue with the next person that feels this way. People will always find a way to make your life somehow their business. If I happen to be somewhere and the show is on I'm not going to change it. You can't blame his family for him thinking the way he does, but you do have to think about the fact that if he said it then his family grew up with this in their life. You can not grow up in a christian home with your father raising you with his ideas on the rest of the world, and not share some of those views. Just not possible.

He was fired from the show and that's when everyone that supported him got mad.

Let me explain why this was the only correct thing to do when your boss fires you from running your mouth.

I'm going to put myself in a similar situation so that we can understand how this should have not been a surprise.

I'm at work at a regular J O B I start running my mouth but I shouldn't because I never know who will hear me. I say some inappropriate words and go ahead and make racial slurs. Someone goes back and tells my manager what I said while someone else I work with gets offended. What do you think will happen next? I will have to sit down with my manager and he will ask to confirm what I said and if it's true do you think he will spank my hand? No. He will have no choice but to fire me.

The difference here is that I am a nobody that got fired, and here he is, a superstar making bank that got fired.  So what is the big idea? Is it because he has money? Yes.

"Freedom of Speech" is a strong phrase. We all have it. It's constitutional, but can we get away with it?  Depends on who you are...

As a person, you cannot fix hate with hate. You, my friend, really don't have freedom to say whatever it is that comes to mind because there will be consequences.  There will not be half a nation backing your words, backing YOUR "Freedom of Speech".

The thing that made me feel a little sadness in my heart was that fact that I saw friends and family say they stand with Phil. They see the life of a christian man that believes he, like others, can pick and choose what parts of the "good book" to follow, and what parts to overlook. I do believe in God, and love Him wholly.  No MAN can tell me that just by following what God created in my soul...me being LGBT...that I will NOT get to Heaven!  But I guess I can't blame these friends amd family.. They fell in love with the Reality TV star that gets paid to be just that, a star, not the real man he is.

So please if you are that upset that a superstar got fired for saying what you and I would have gotten fired for, then you are living in the fantasy world. Reality TV is not ever really Reality TV.

By the way don't worry no animals were hurt in the making of this blog by a member of the LGBT community.

loosing sight

We take things for granted and we don't know how lucky we are for the simple things in life.

I wake up every day at four in the morning by my lovely neighbor who wakes up to make her husband lunch for work. Her bright kitchen light shines in. I can see that.

I head on the road while it's still dark towards work and wonder about all that are still in their nice warm beds. I can see the street lights.

I am at work sick wondering how I need to make my money to support myself and my family and wonder why all these other people are up so early. I can see them rushing to start their day.

Through out the day I hear people complain about one thing or another. I can see that through their facial expressions.

I walk into the ladies restroom and notice how a lady would even leave it looking the way they do. I can see the mess they left behind

It doesn't dawn on me that after seeing all that I have so far I'm still lucky to see it.

A woman comes in with two little girls. The two small children are between nine and twelve years old. She walks with one on each side. One daughter won't let go of her mother's hand. The other just listens without missing a word. The woman needs help filling out her paper work. She feels her girls are too young to help. She is loosing her sight. We help her. I look at the girls and feel sadness because they are now going to grow up so fast and won't be able to live a regular kid's life. By the age of thirteen they will be adults. Those two girls love her, their mom. They are too young to understand how life will be from now on but they will cope. As they left us, the mother asked for extra help and the oldest girl got upset "mom I can do it for you". She is already being a strong little girl. She won't get to physically see her babies get older only they will see their mom grow grays.

I am thankful for my sight. I may get irritated at times with my glasses but I am still thankful for my everyday small images that these four eyes capture.

Giving Thanks and Popping Tags

Another year to say thank you on this day of giving thanks. We need a reminder to eat turkey and talk about prices on sales to remind us of, o wait its Thanksgiving Day. This year businesses every where are taking that joy of being with family by cutting it short to hurry to the stores to spend that money that we don't really have so we will be returning half of what we really rushed to get for anyway. What is the real meaning of Thanksgiving? I mean you spend time with family in the summers and barbeque. You gather at someones birthday party to celebrate another year of thanking they are still with us. If you know the real meaning of giving thanks then you my friend are one lucky person.

During the year we forget to be thankful for the things that we already receive or the events that take place that make it worth our while that we are apart of.

I am thankful every day for many blessings in my life whether they are small or big they all count.

I am thankful to know that there is a doctor that diagnosed my father correctly and because of it his kidneys are not failing and that he knows I am always going to be there.
I am thankful to know that I still have my mother, we got a scare when we found out we could have lost her but she is gaining some pounds back and that I can make her not smile but laugh.
I am thankful for my sisters and to know that as we get older they don't need me like when they were younger, that makes them strong and independent women.
I am thankful for my nieces and nephews that make me wonder if I as a kid ever acted the way they do, young smart little adults.
I am thankful for my second family that is in my life that accepted me when I began my journey with my loving partner. Somehow they always know the moment I'm about to cry or pull a face gesture.
I am thankful of the new friends I've made this year and to know that I have not lost any due to health.
I am thankful that I have a job even if it is at a nutt house.
This year I realized how thankful I am for just having water.
I am thankful for my enemies to know that I am still here fighting this battle.
I am thankful for all the new things I learned this year to all the bad ones.
I am thankful that even thought mother earth is highly upset people still gather to help one another.
I am thankful for my loving partner to whom I owe many, many thankful moments in my life, from coffee runs to day trips to just making me feel special.

A friend once wrote "I'm loving the skin I'm in"

I am actually thankful "I'm loving the skin I'm in"


When you gather and have your giving thanks dinner do you take a few minutes to really say what you are thankful for? Do you really tell that person that is sharing the table how much you thank them for being in your life? Think about it for a second.....give thanks that you still share another American way of celebrating eating that turkey and popping tags at the store.

twenty eight hours

Hi, Hello, friends it's been a little while. I have been thinking a lot lately and doing a lot lately my brain is about to explode with too much information, so I am going to slow down and start with this........

Was absent for a couple of days here, went to what seamed far far away. How many hours have you traveled while driving your vehicle to...let's say...a trip? Try twenty eight hours, for me. My family before me are from way down south. It used to take us two days to get there but now it takes us three days. The reason it takes us three days is because you, under any circumstance, cannot travel at night while in Mexico. Yup good ole Mexico. Love the culture don't really care for the people anymore. Let me explain, you see when you cross into Mexico and it's still night you have to wait until daylight to continue your journey for too many things can happen...two being you can get robbed or get killed. With us it is more like waiting to continue before a crooked cop pulls us over just for the hell of it. You follow all of the rules yet you still get pulled over just for having an American license plate. On the way back we got pulled over by several cops at one stop to try to take our vehicle away. Instead they decided to let us go if we would just give them a little money for dinner. (More like just paying them to leave us alone.) You probably ask why do I go, and why in a vehicle? My parents come from a small beautiful quiet town. Why deny where you come from? Why deny you the right to visit what you left behind? my parents married, built a house that now stays vacant, and we try to visit so that the spirit of the house doesn't get lonely. Haven't you seen how a vacant lonely house slowly deteriorates? Why do we like to go by vehicle rather than fly?  You get to see the cities as you pass them by and stop, if need be, to learn from them.



las grutas de cacahuamilpa guerrero

Don't get me wrong, when I go I get scared like going to a place that if something was to happen how will anyone else know how to help or how to find you. That's why joining my parents makes me feel safer knowing they are okay. I pretend (without having powers) to be their body guard. The corrupt cop that stopped us when we were trying to come back to the states told us that it was good that my father was traveling with family, for if he were by himself, he would not have let him leave with his truck. Scary to know, what if? I just have to think that they can't control the situation. I've witnessed a lot in my life time and can honestly say I've lived experiences that some of you would have never thought possible. What scares me is that I'm only half way through the end of my days. If you ever get the opportunity to visit beautiful Mexico please do, but only with company. My life partner will be visiting soon. I want her to feel and live what and where my roots came from. I will be her bodyguard as well. Sometimes I think it will get better, but it doesn't. I am afraid sometimes of not wanting to go back, but can't let that stop me from visiting. Don't have family there that you can say I'd want to see but the atmosphere and the culture is what makes me think how I could never leave it all behind.  I stop having fun trips whenever I visit Mexico.  It seems like I always have to be on guard even in our beautiful tiny town.  I have a trust issue with Mexico.

ACAMBAY

Crossing the border almost around six in the the evening,  I saw a young women carrying a rolling suitcase and two Coleman water coolers. I point and tell my parents, "look they are walking that girl back into Mexico."  I don't know what made her think she was going to be able to just live the American dream, but she felt she could.  Two border patrol officers, one female and one male, walk her to the tip where she has to begin her walk on the bridge back into Mexico and they begin laughing. I get mad and upset...how dare they laugh!  They laugh at this young lady now alone getting dark in Laredo Mex!! One place a young woman should never be. They laugh at her with such mockery when who are they, but Mexican themselves? Yes two Mexican (north)Americans laughing at another Mexican (central)American when all that divides them is one glowing light on the bridge that divides the continent. Think about it for a minute...what if Texas was owned by Mexico? Would they be laughing then? A divider separates those so close to that American dream.  The border into the United States is the most dreaded stop on my trip...it is degrading the way they make us unload our entire truck so they can search all the nooks and crannies.  Breaking the little tokens given to us by our Mexico families in their carelessness.

the spectacular now

Went to a pre screening of The Spectacular Now. The same creators of 500 Days of Summer wrote The Spectacular Now. It is not your typical love story. It does however end on a happy note. It's based on two teenagers bonding together while trying to meet their goals. Sutter Keely has issues and is trying to find his father. When he finally gets to him it's not what he expected. Turns out that even though he didn't grow up with him he was becoming a version of his father. It was time to change with the help of his girlfriend Aimee Finecky . Its considered a comedy which you will find certain things humorous but I find it to be more of a healing story, if such a thing exits. That should be a movie category. This movie gives you a sigh of peace. I didn't really see the love story I saw the coping and the "why things happen". I was lucky to grow up with both of my parents so I can only see this from an outsider's perspective.  But knowing someone dear to me who grew up without both  parents, this really hurts. You try not to get too attached with movie roles, or what they are trying to express on a surreal way of life, but it does happen. This, The Spectacular Now, will make you laugh, will make you feel the pain, might even bring back your own memories. There is a part that will make you gasp for air. You might need a tissue but whatever you do, don't get upset. If you decide to get upset change your way of life.

 

Got to sit next to an elderly lady while watching this movie. I kept wondering why she was by herself? I didn't get the chance to conversate with her. Had I gotten just a little bit earlier when the lights were still on I would have asked her why she was alone? You see, I had never been to the movies alone. I hear it's not that bad of an experience. I just can't seam to do it since I always want to talk about the movie with someone to see how they experienced it. Then I thought that maybe one day I'll be like her. I used to go to the movies with friends and my sisters a lot before Heather came along but now all I need is her. It never occurred to me that maybe one day I'll be that one elderly lady watching a movie at the theatre by myself. I am a movie buff so I could try waiting till it came out on whatever device that will be here in a couple of years, but why would I have to wait when I can see it in a 4D experience.  I hear that the 4D experience is a must do, so to visit one would really be out of my way.