Thirty something years later picking shells

I honestly don't remember how old I was the last time I went to Galveston. I remember all my sisters were there, two still in diapers. When we were younger our family along with my Godmother's family went to Galveston. Spent a weekend there. I remember us parking on the sand and waking up to the sound of the water in the morning. One memory I always carry with me was when me and my sister Monica walked up and down the shore line picking up shells and putting them in our buckets. We both filled the buckets half way. We put them beside our car that day as we were about to eat what both our families had cooked. We used to do a lot with my Godmother and her family. Our families became close but as the years grew old we started to drift apart. I wonder if they still remember stories like this one. The next morning when me and my sister went to check on our shells we both grabbed our buckets and as we started to walk away with them we began screaming and immediately threw the buckets on the ground. Small like creatures were coming out of the shells. Yeah those buckets never made it home.

The love of my life

My sister Pati now with her own family invited me to tag a long on their Galveston trip. I enjoy the beach life and spending time with them so I said yes. We went for the weekend. Got all the sun rays we could possibly get. Enjoying the beach life. So many years had passed since I've set foot on these sands. I'd say close to thirty years. My sister Pati is mother to my Godchild. I love all my little ones but this one has a special place in my heart. I'm forever thankful the day I became a Godmother. It was her turn now, she at the age of three was walking down the shoreline with her father picking up shells and putting them in a bucket. Something so simple yet beautiful too see. Her tiny self wearing her little one piece bending down to pick up the shells turning to her father to show and give them to him to carry. When my sister invited me I took it as a small getaway. But this moment in time meant so much more to me than she will ever know. I was here with my father thirty something years ago picking shells down the shore with my Godmother. Thirty some years in the future I would have never thought I'd be looking at my goddaughter doing the same thing in the same place. I had my godmother and now she had hers. We relived the same story. The same experience.

Galveston 

I began to think of how many memories I'd miss because I didn't take the time to just let my mind wonder. I'll never forget this small getaway. The time I spent with my goddaughter. When we arrived she didn't want me to come home. She loved me that day. She doesn't know how much I love her.

One story I'll tell them when they are older is when her and her brother wanted to see my belly button. Belly button you ask? My little nephew was drawing himself on paper to kill some time on the road. He then drew me on paper. I of course had a bigger belly button than him. At that moment he realized he had never seen if I had a belly button. He insisted to see if in fact I had one. I said to both curious minds that I'd show them later. Well as soon as we made a stop it was show time. I was sitting down when they both approached me. You should have seen a three little girl with her six year old brother both squatting down to see my belly button. The excitement to have proved I had one after all.

The exciting life that is my life. Weirdly odd but I love it. I couldn't have it be a boring one.

Just live the most smallest of experiences, for those are what matter in the end.

A beautiful pink fluffy dress

I remember around this time last year, I asked my niece if she wanted a quinceanera. She said "no". She was never big on parties. A big celebration was not her thing. She started high school this year. She was beginning to go to her friends quinceaneras. She like the whole wearing a pretty dress, a celebration of a becoming a young lady. One day she said ... "I actually wouldn't mind having a big party". She has always been a good kid. She doesn't get into trouble and her mind is still innocent and humble. My sister and her husband thought about it and within less than six months decided there would be a big celebration. We had less than six months to plan one of the biggest parties a young girl in our culture would have. She was turning fifteen, my how the years pass. My parents had four daughters and we didn't have one of our own. I don't know how my sister did it. A party that normally takes a year to plan, she planned in half the time.

Our niece is special to us so we wanted to make her day special. Don't tell my sister but the night before the big day I was still working on center pieces. I had gotten sick and didn't have the energy to work on them. The morning came to go to church to finally see her in her princess dress. She has always been beautiful but on this day she wasn't little anymore. You want her to stay as childlike for as long as you can but on this day you realize that those days are slowly becoming the past. It was her day and she knew not to disappoint us. As much as we wanted it to be a perfect day, she wanted it to be perfect for us. She may not realize how much she means to us, but she holds a special place in our hearts. I really enjoyed the words of wisdom that the father told her and shared with us. She was still our little girl. The father asked her if she wanted to say a few words and I could feel my eyes fill with that salty water. She thanked her parents for all that they had done for her. She appreciated their hard work and dedication that they had given. As tears ran down her face she thanked everyone for taking the time to be there sharing her moment. There I was remembering her with pigtails trying at three years to be a young adult. For so long it was just her. She was the only little being in our family. She grew up with her tias. She was well loved by all.

After church I went over and had my sisters tag along to make sure the reception hall was in order. She went like I like to say, cruise the streets with her friends in a hummer limousine. Here was a fifteen year old with a car filled with her friends that wanted her little ten year old brother to tag along. Not many fifteen year olds do that. Even though it was her day she made her little brothers day by having him enjoy the ride.

The time came for friends and family to gather to celebrate and dance the night away till morning. I enjoyed having all our guests share the dance floor, watched her perform with her cadets. We congregated and talked about family, about our birthday girl. How my sister managed to pull it off. How stressed my sister was to make it as perfect as possible. How my niece didn't want nothing to go wrong just so that she wouldn't disappointed us. She danced so elegantly and yet my father said "I didn't know she knew how to dance cumbias". I still don't know where she learned those cumbia dance moves. She had a great set of friends that shared the dance floor with her. I think I even learned some dance moves myself. If something wasn't perfect you couldn't tell because everything just seamed right.

I'll always remember her innocent look giving me a thumbs up on this day. A way of saying that everything was alright. She may have been tired but always kept her smile. Always had that special glow about her. All that mattered was her having the best time of her life. You only get one night why not let it be how you want to remember it years from now. We are a small family but we have many that made our family huge that night. I asked what she thought of her party. She was happy. Those words are what mattered.

So what if I woke up with blisters from dancing all night, or stayed till the tables were cleaned, or packed my car full of over packed centerpieces and left over things, because all that mattered was this one night. The one night in a girls lifetime that she gets to live it up.

We love you our little Gemita, always and forever.

another year of self love

It's a subject that doesn't get discussed as it should. Maybe we don't want to hear about it or if it doesn't pertain to you personally, why care.

I learned of the movement To Write Love on Her Arms Day a couple of years back. I tried to teach others of what it meant. It was my first tattoo that I got. It meant something to me. It meant to look down at my arm as a constant reminder to love myself. You have to always love yourself. No one will love you like you love you. Only you can understand the real feelings that only you know to have. I make it aware every year to have others remind themselves that they are loved. Remind them that there is help.

There are things in life that will happen that don't go as planned. There will be failures that you didn't even think would happen. I used to think why would someone commit suicide. Why would they leave their family with such sadness. Why would they be so selfish as to take the easy way out. I'd be the one fighting to keep you here. This world is beautiful yet cruel. The world can give you everything you can desire and can easily take it all away.

I don't push the issue anymore. I do it for myself. It took the world to take something from me to have me realize that I can not have it all. I'm no one to make those decisions about ones life. I'd like to know that I'm here to hear your sorrows but I don't know what I would say. No one can determine how deep someones mind is, full of demons that allows their heart to be blocked of self love. Everyone deals with life differently. Some beings are stronger than others. Some only know to give up.

It is sad to know when someone commits this act to end the pain that they are going through. But unless you have felt that black deep pain filled with a hollow sadness then you don't know a thing. You can not judge a life. You can be mad and think about what you could have done to prevent it.

Has every single person on this earth thought about it at one point in their life? How many times? To what extent? Only the select few in my life have known the demons I've fought and at times continue to battle.

The question you should ask is, how strong can a person be to continue to struggle, living day to day and overcoming those feelings.

Don't just be the ear to listen to. Don't just be the arms to lean in for a hold. Actually be there next to them and hold their hand and try to feel just a smear pinch of what they need you to feel to understand. To understand what possibly goes through their mind that allows their heart to block the love with pain.

will you kaylee?

What are you doing this weekend to celebrate, for some, the most dreaded holiday ever?

When you were in school during your adolescent years, how many had crushes? We all did. I don't care what one says we all had them. Now whether we remember who they were or what they looked like is probably not even worth remembering. I remember having crushes but whether I was brave enough to tell them was another story. The reason for not letting someone know in person is because of the feeling of rejection. So you either tell a friend to find out for you how the person even feels, or you send them a note their way. The feeling of rejection hurts in so many ways and can scar you temporarily, or forever. Some of us are not as strong as others and it can be a longer, bigger scar. Knowing at a young age that being rejected is just one of the many lessons in life and that there is a whole future of world ahead of you, is seldom in a young ones mind and heart.

Went to the grocery store the Thursday before valentines day. Imagine looking at moms while they buy valentine cards for their little ones to take to school the next morning, procrastinators like me. Went with my sweetheart and we did what we had never done before. We each picked out our valentine for each other. I'm like babe I think your valentine will love this and she did the same. Taking the fun out of surprises but it works for us. Especially when we share our money.

While standing in line I glanced over to the candy they purposefully put next to the check out line and saw a piece of paper with a written note on it. I grabbed it to read and it brought back young childhood memories. I brought it home with me. It was my piece of treasure. Thought and wondered how serious the person that was the recipient of the letter actually took it, since it was left as trash. I was hoping that they would have at least read it and not laughed at it for being passed to her. I'd hope that even though she left it as trash or a show and tell that she had the respect to at least answer it. What would you tell your little one had they not received an answer or the fact that you even knew that they had a crush and that their little heart could be hurting.

Happy Valentines Day to all the lovers out their....to the ones that feel love, be it by a mate or the ability to have a friend that cares for them.

I'm taking my love to a heart pumping screaming out loud experience that involves the scary and ghoulish things.

no matter who you are

We didn't attend the Dallas Pride Parade this year. The parade had more cons than pros. If you are getting older, like me, I think you'd understand. We almost didn't make it to the Tarrant Pride Parade. The parade took place in down town Ft. Worth. Woke up late from watching scary movies so we were on our way to eat brunch.

I mentioned that it was late to go to the festivities but we looked at out car clock and said well it starts in 30 minutes, if we make it then it was meant to be. We live by these words. if it's meant to happen it will. We arrived and searched for parking which happened to be easier than Dallas. We did pay but quickly arrived two minutes before it started. We waited when a group of supporters approached the parade at the same time as we did but across the way they stood. When they started preaching their hate we quickly moved. Didn't want to hear hate while enjoying a pride parade for being who we are. Just to think that preaching can also be used towards hate reminded me of people in my life that are okay with having their lives preached hate and being okay with it just worries me.  At the same time what are these people taught to tell me that I'm going to hell. To tell me to repent and convert over because if not God doesn't love me. I feel sorrow for them for judging me.

Everyone was so friendly. the kind of friendly were it is more family oriented with an older more respectful crowd. People in regular attire without being naked. At least that is what was around us. I kept thinking to myself, these are the people I want to be associated with. The parade didn't last two hours like the one in Dallas does, but it was still meaningful. I forgot to time it but I believe it was close to an hour. You probably wouldn't believe me if you didn't see it but there were no beer can crushed or bo0ttles broken on the ground, There was no litter. A well kept clean parade. The parade had so many church floats just wanting to marry you. I didn't think I'd see so many preachers want to marry a person of LGBT before, felt touched. After the parade we decided to visit their festivities down Main St. There was an AARP booth and I sure did visit it. I love Dallas, but just don't tell him that Ft worth was way better.

Didn't even have to wait another hour just to leave our parking spot. What a great experience. Did I mention that with the buildings down main there was shade on both sides of the parade.

The question is did we ever eat? Yes. We did.

thousands to rest

Have you ever stepped foot to a home that houses thousands of soldiers?

 

When that day comes how will you handle the death of your loved one? There is no correct way. No lesson plan. No one else to handle it for you. We just have to handle it the best way that we can.

It will take time to heal but in the process try to live every step of the way. At least that is what I believe to be the best option there is. I don't speak from experience. I speak from watching others suffer the emptiness that they must feel.

You've heard about, tomorrow is not promised, but have you heard, the next few hours are not promised as well?

There was a loving wife that ate lunch with her husband every day except for the day he played golf with his buddies. Lunch is so simple but at times is just a way of saying I have to at least see you just to get through the next half of the day. He dropped her back off and when she arrived home she didn't imagined she wouldn't see his smiling face any more. He'd had his last lunch with her.

What happens though when it was just the wife and the husband. She now feels so alone. What do you say to her? How do you get her to move ahead and try to be strong?

Have you ever just sat down and written exactly what needs to be done in case of your absence. Don't do it just for your loving partner but for your children as well. It may sound silly to you but if I and my partner were to pass together at the same time, who'd look after our four legged babies? How would they understand what will become of them? Hoping they'd end up in a loving home. In the week ahead I encourage you to do just that, write or let someone know what you wish to be done. Death is scary but it shouldn't be something you are afraid to talk about. It will eventually happen.

Ended today helping a friend say goodbye to her husband. She doesn't know how she will go on. I tell her to be strong, take her time to heal, and that even though she thinks its over that it isn't. He was buried at the Dallas Ft. Worth National Cemetery today along with twelve others. Twelve other men and women now accompany his side. Think about it for a second.  In one day twelve families had to say goodbye to their loved ones. She wasn't alone in this cycle of life.

two dinosaurs

I'm taking pictures of my special about to be one year old niece. My nephew brings his coloring book sits next to Heather while we are conducting a photo shoot. He sits there making conversation with Heather tells her how he loves dinosaurs, starts to name them. Tells her what he has seen and how he reacts when he is being chased by a T-Rex. After the photo session he hands me a colored paper. Of course no mater what it is I say it is the best thing I have ever seen. He whispers to tell her "see i told you she would like it". The gesture alone is wonderful. He also colors one for Heather. When we are finished and are coming home Heather tells me that he said one is me and one is her. The thought of this colored page being the best thing I ever saw has now even brought me happy tears.

I sometimes wonder if they know the relationship Heather and I have. It never crossed my mind to actually think about what would happen if they ever asked us. When I met Heather her siblings were very young it also never occurred to me to have that question asked by them. Thinking about it now, will I be prepared? The little ones in my family just know that we live together that for as long as they have lived they have known both of us. When family gathers they know that all my sisters have their partners and that Heather is mine. That just proves fact that if you teach your children hate that is what they learn. They love us for us. I'm hoping all they see is love. He is only five years old. His mind is pure. He knows only love.

What is wrong with the world?

H+G=LOVE

This window holds a piece of evidence that can be erased but hasn't. It has rained but hasn't been washed away. People have passed by it and it's still there. Now that I'm going to reveal the secret it probably will disappear. Eventually it will.

On March 13, 2012 we went to see the exhibit at the Dallas Holocaust Museum "Every Child Has A Name". This place is a sad reminder of what happened. It is also a learning center to teach us what we may not know. If you have a heart you will leave the museum with sadness and wonder how could this have happened for so many years? We've been here before but on this particular visit we did something out of the norm. We started walking when we spotted a window across the street and went to it. We noticed people had left a smear mark on the glass so we decided to do the same. Heather initialled our letters on the glass.

How many of you have left your fingerprints or tag on something? We tend to do it when we are younger. When we are crazy in love. When you grow older you stop doing things like this. Why? Is it because you fell out of love? Is it because you still love but have been loved for a long time? You think well maybe it's childish or silly. Why, because you are older? Heather and I tend to do things out of the norm. When we do things like this it makes us feel young and in love. We've been together for over ten years now and little things like this is what keeps us in love. I love her today even more than before. We met in the summer of 2001 and have never looked back.

We passed by this window this past Saturday to see if  our initials were still there, they were. It's been there almost four months. I glanced over at her and said, how long do you think it will stay there? she replied, i don't know? We both had this stupidly smile on our face. I took a picture so if it ever did come off the window we'll have that reminder of when it was there.
Have you ever left your mark? Do you remember what you were doing? If not try and pick a spot who knows what story will come from it or how it came about.

In actuality we don't need to put our initials anywhere to prove how much we love each other. I just love the little things that set us apart from knowing that she was the one for me.