spicy or regular ketchup

Having lunch with my dad today like a normal Monday. My way of getting him out of the house and talking. We mainly talk about politics and what is new with the family. How he is feeling? There was a line to order, so I told my dad to have a seat as I waited for my turn. I spotted a particular young individual calling out the numbers and asking people if they wanted spicy or regular ketchup. Some couldn't make out what he was asking but some did. The person in front of me told the cashier how good it was that they had hired him. It really gave us a sense of appreciation for the place. I sat down and told my dad if he had spotted the same particular young individual? He said yes. We all need a job. I told him that if he was able to get one there was no excuse for the people that don't look for one. He called out our number, came to us, and asked if we wanted regular or spicy ketchup. He was so polite. You could hear his fellow associates giving him praise for how good he was working. I heard his manager tell him he wished the rest of his crew were as dedicated as him. No one complained but I was ready to make my stand if someone had a problem with it.

All I could think about was Trevor, and how it would be cool if he had a job. He wants to feel needed. He wants to work. He wants to feel as normal as anyone else. How I wished and hoped that he would get that chance.

We happened to get some good news today. How crazy the world works. How earlier today I was thinking about him having the same opportunities and now to find out he will soon be starting his new job. Heather talked to her mom today and heard the good news. Trevor will be not only in his senior year of high school but also a young special needs guy with a job. So happy to hear that he has been given this opportunity. Can't wait to hear his stories. I'm pretty sure his work stories will be much better than mine. Love the way God hears us even when we don't expect it.

a postcard and one year later a scar.

I was thinking how time catches up with you. Heather's mom came to visit us this past week, exactly a year ago Heather was with them in Missouri. She was there for Trevor's heart surgery. A very intense time in our lives. It was time to update Trevor's heart and it was important that Heather be there with him and their mom. I didn't go. I'd be in the way and might have made things worse.

I stayed home what would be a week and a half. I didn't tell anyone that I'd be alone in my house.  I actually enjoyed it for the beginning of the first two days. Went to work and came home. No one but me and the four legged babies. Then it hit me. I really felt alone. I'd never felt this way. Not only did I feel alone but life happened. By the end of the week I felt like having an emotional break down. I don't recall having the time to ever have an emotional breakdown but I was trying to find peace in my life and it was hard for that to happen. In this short time my sister Monica was in a terrible accident. She was able to walk away from the accident in spite of the car being totaled. I'd watch my sister cry hysterically as I tried to comfort her. I thank God that she was okay. The frustrating part was trying to find her racing to get to her without knowing if she was okay and not knowing her exact location. Her phone was damaged in the wreck so she had been using strangers phone to try to get a hold of us, me.

I also took a friend to the hospital. As I was leaving work one day someone stopped me and told me that a fellow coworker, friend was in massive pain without knowing what was causing it. I rushed her to the emergency room at Baylor, when I found her sitting at work crying from the pain I knew I had to take her to the hospital. I was there with her for hours. I don't regret being with her until I knew that she was going to be okay but was also worried for my little ones at home. It was coming up to eight in the evening and I hadn't made it home from leaving in the morning for work. As soon as she got a hold of someone to be with her, I left her. I had been with her for four hours and I was just exhausted. Other things were going on with family that was becoming hard for me to deal with. I still didn't want or felt like I needed help.

loves pizza

I ended feeling horrible and selfish. I'd always had Heather by my side. She'd always been my back up for help physically and emotionally. I felt bad for not having her here with me. Her brother was recovering from heart surgery and all I could think about was why she wasn't here with me. I understood that she needed to be there. Trevor is an important person in our lives. By the end of the week I finally couldn't take the stress and just about gave up on everything. I remember it was heading towards ten at night when I stopped to get gas. it was late dark and I was mad that I was running on empty and even this had bothered me. I got out to come around my car to pump gas when I young female started to approached me. I said " God, I'm sorry but if she asks me for money I'm going to go off on her". As she walks towards me I began to get angry. I hadn't had rest from work, family and now friends that were sick. I was upset that I had worked plus dealt with other obligations in my life that if she asked me for money I was going to just give her a piece of my mind. She said "hello" can I give you something?" I was confused and said "okay".  She handed me a postcard. She told me that I was welcomed to come visit her church. Thanked me and walked away. I got back in my car and burst into a mass crying hysteria. My car was still parked and I just sat there in tears. I read this as God sending me a message that he was still here. That even though I felt alone he was still with me watching me. That night I was able to finally sleep. Two days later I picked Heather up from the airport. One year later Trevor was sitting in our living room showing me his heart surgery scar.

I've always been the tough one. The one that can't feel weakness. The one that is always there when I'm needed. When I felt alone against the world, God found ways to tell me "I'm still here"

enjoy your 240th birthday.

The dreaded month awaits me. I despise you, July. With the exception of it being the United States birthday you are just a horrible month. My little big headed niece turns four this year. She is a July baby but she couldn't have been a Leo she had to be a crazy Cancer. 

We had already celebrated on Thursday and Sunday. We tried treating it like when humans take the whole weekend to celebrate a birthday. Come Monday we still hadn't seen fireworks. We decided to drive to Denton by going to a bookstore and partake in their 20% off their entire store. Yeah this is how we were going to celebrate it. Us nerds going to the bookstore for a birthday celebration. One of the things that bring me joy in this world is sitting in the passenger seat listening to music and driving a distance. It's like getting away. Denton from our house is about an hour. Our spending money goes to gas.

On our way we saw a billboard where Lake Dallas was going to celebrate their fourth of July. We quickly made a u-turn, found a place to park, grabbed our folding chairs, and found us a spot. Always carry chairs in your trunk, a tip from me to you. We have two in my trunk and two in Heather's trunk. For all the randomness in our lives. We walked around. Hadn't eaten and since we decided to stay we grabbed some festival food. Honestly we don't really get a bite to eat. We just enjoy all the free falling that we tend to do but since we were going to stay we had tacos, corn in a cup, kettle popcorn, sausage on a stick, brisket sandwich, and some freshly squeezed lemonade. We just pigged out. Right at nine fifteen the candles in the sky lit up. The fireworks lasted for almost twenty five minutes. Nicely done Lake Dallas. Our first birthday experience with Lake Dallas and it won't be our last. We've celebrated in Grapevine, Irving, and Dallas. This has to be my favorite one of all.

It was the experience of going somewhere where no one knew you. Where when it was over we didn't have to be stuck in traffic. These people are really courteous. They know the rule off letting a car in an accordion style. No one honked, they even let us back out of our parking spot. People got up from their chair to dance to the music. No chaos.

Happy 240th birthday America. We don't know how next year will be. Hopefully we can still be able to celebrate you another year older without hate but love. When we all see the big candles go out in the sky we are all just grateful to be able to see it surrounded by all kinds of faces that make us America.

just a plain hello will do.

One day you realize that being alone is the best thing one can be in this world.

I was going through my cell phone photos and came upon one that I hadn't realized I took of myself. I'm assuming I went to put my phone away and as I was doing so realized the application was still up and running. It didn't look posed made me think of how people see me.

Then I realized that I'm alone in this world. Deep down it's hard to talk to someone because there is no one to trust. I find that when someone asks how I'm doing it really is to talk about themselves than really care about my answer. Realized that I'd never had that friend that you can call and they will drop what they are doing to come and hang out just because. I realized that I do better being a loner.

I've always been the one to be there when a friend needed me. They call on Gabriela and sure enough she'd show up. The one that stayed with you at the hospital when your closest friends didn't show up. The one that had the money to bail you out when I was the least person to have called upon. The one that witnessed you become a grandmother for the first time but you chose to drop me to get drunk with people that don't care about you. The less people I know the less problems I make for myself.

Realized that its hard to please the people that surround your life. I don't even try anymore. Hard to trust someone with the smallest secret because one day that person you trusted won't be in your life anymore and now they have that small information that you shared.

I think I reached that point where no matter what is said about or towards me it can't harm me because I've just shut down. I keep to myself. I don't talk to anyone anymore. It's pointless. I just want to be left a lone.

I was helping a man today. He wanted to know why I wasn't showing any emotions. He couldn't understand that I showed no feelings.

I am determined to be that old lady that you see at times that is always by herself. The one you wonder if she has family.

There is this place we like to eat and every time we go we always see a woman of age go and eat by herself. I always wondered if she is lonely. I don't wonder about her anymore.

This isn't a pity cry. It's just don't question why I've become this person.

Just a plain Hello will do.

that one time we went on that hike.

Was looking forward to sleeping in on my Saturday off. Being an adult is hard at times to just stay in bed while the earth just keeps rotating but eventually I have to get up.

On a day like today I look for signs. Wonder if what is needed from me will suffice. Woke up extra early to pass to the donut shop before seven. I was getting some breakfast for when I pick up my niece. We had to be in Lewisville at eight. She was going on a fossil history nature walk. Helping her earn a badge for girl scouts. We don't really bond like when she was much younger. She is growing up and is becoming a young lady. I was reminiscing when I'd pick her up from day care and would put her in the car seat. Now she was riding next to me in the passenger seat. And I was telling her about learning how to drive. The years pass fast when you are old, at least that's how it feels for me. I'm wondering if she liked the fact that I accompanied her instead of her mom. Things I think about that a regular tia wouldn't ask herself. When we were done and heading back all I asked was if she enjoyed herself on the adventures.

I was looking for a sign this morning. A sign that would give me reasoning for waking up early and knowing she'd be okay with me taking her.

When I went to the donut shop this morning I glanced over to my right as I was coming in the door. I saw a woman, a man, and four girls, the oldest was probably ten years old. They were all eating at a round crowded table. When I finally turned to leave with my order all I could hear were bye Daddy's. All four small girls trying to fight over each others words so that Dad could hear them each tell him bye Daddy. He responded with a bye. I looked at them and smiled. He had his work uniform and the girls still had their hair messy from when one walks up. They had all managed to wake up extra early on a Saturday to join their dad to eat donuts before he had to run off to work.

It reminded me of my mom and my sisters at that age. How my mom managed to handle four girls while my dad worked.

This was my sign. At our young age we didn't have a tia to help us. We just had each other. We didn't get to know what extra activities we could do besides trying to drive our mom crazy.

My sister had me to help her. Maybe one day when Gema is older she'll have that story that goes something like this........remember tia that one day we went on that hike and it was really humid?

My sisters and I never had that.

a dead gift

I opened the door this morning and just about had a heart attack.

Heather has been feeding an outdoor cat for over a year. Heather named her Tiny Feet. We also feed her brother. I do tell her not to feed them so that they wont come back but she still does. We already have our own inside kitties so we don't need any more. They are here in the morning and leave during the day and back in the evening. That's when they know they get fed.

A couple of weeks ago Heather started giving her extra food. She claims that she was pregnant. How did she know? She will sometimes sit outside to talk and pet her. Why must I love an animal lover. My dad takes her side on this matter. She was gone for two days and when she was back her belly was smaller which can only mean that she had her baby, or babies.

We began to wonder where she had them. I'd notice that Heather would slow down once we hit our street to see if she would notice little ones in the area.

Yesterday when we came home from work, by the way Happy Mothers Day friends, we saw four little small kitties in our driveway. Heather was screaming with excitement we pulled in slowly and they scrammed. She was so excited to see that she had had four little ones. She went inside and fed the mommy. When she came back in the little ones came back to their mommy and she fed them.

This morning when I went to open the door I freaked. The dogs like to follow me to the door so I panicked and closed the door quickly. There was a squirrel on the porch. A dead one. I immediately texted Heather and told her I freakin had a heart attack. She called me to ask what happened and began laughing when I sent her the photo. I don't think its hilarious. It was a thank you gift from the cat. It was a way of saying thank you for feeding me and my babies. I didn't appreciate the gift. Heather always gives me a gift for mothers day from the fur babies as I do to her as well. I didn't literally want a gift from the fur baby living outside.

the gift

Needless to say I left it on the porch for my Heather.

Then when Heather got home from work she ended taking one of the four babies to the vet. She called to ask me. I couldn't tell her kind heart no. So she took the little one to the vet. The baby had a bloody nose that was causing him to not breath. The vet tended to it free of charge. The little one is back home but please there is a free kitty cat possibly three more if we can catch them too. 

two kitties

I think I would have cried hysterically had she brought me a dead rat.

Another normal crazy day in the neighborhood.    

mad at myself

Have you ever been so mad at yourself for something you did?

I am a procrastinator. Have been all my life. I put things to the last minute. Went down to the tax office to get out of the car to go inside see that the line went out the office door so walked right back out. Didn't have time to stand and wait needed to head over to my parent's house.

After finishing running errands with my dad went back to stand in line. I was the last person when the guy in front of me asked if I could hold his place in line. I don't know why I asked him what he needed to do when he said he had to go to the store next door. I said okay. As soon as I said okay and he walked off I had regreted saying it. The line was extremely long. But I was to blame for waiting to do it. I didn't see him come back so I just wondered if it was my turn and he just decided to wait too long to come back. Then I told myself that I waited in this line for thirty minutes already with the rest of the people waiting for their turn. The line still constantly moving and people had already been lining behind me. Remember I'd been waiting for thirty minutes when I was second to be called. Out of nowhere the guy came up to me to get in line. I was mad. I asked where and what did he do?  And why he was just now coming back. I questioned him as if he was an ignorant person. I was mad. I made him repeat himself three times before I understood him. He went to get a receipt. All I could think was if he had gone and sat down somewhere while I saved his spot standing in line. I was so mad. How was it that he came right in time to be called? I was so mad. I wanted to say I hope we never meet again. I was so mad.

I was mad at myself. I would have never told someone to save my spot, and here I was allowing someone to ask me and I let it happen. I was mad at myself for having my guard down to be nice. I was mad. I'm not nice and he took advantage of the fact that I would say yes. He never once thanked me. And as I write my madness down to tell you, I'm still mad at myself. I can tell myself that I won't let it happen again but it might. I'm not a nice person so he caught me off guard.

I am still mad at myself.

Petty if it be but what made him so special that he didn't have to stand in line?

I am still mad at myself.