Did I mention I love Barbeque.....thank you

Isn't it crazy how the year is almost over. I don't know about you but a lot has happened to me but I have plenty to be thankful for.

It's tradition when spending thanksgiving with my family to open a bottle of alcohol. Be it wine, champagne, or a shot. My dad buys something new and that night we all share the beverage. We all pour some in our glass and we go around the room and each one of us says what we are thankful for.

This bottle of Barefoot wine was delicious

I cried when it wasn't even my turn. My father starts and we go around the room. Glad that I was still here alive and living. My brother n laws also say what they are thankful for. It's an all family tradition. God is so good to me to have blessed me in many ways even by giving me the men that married my sisters. Never had I thought I'd see the day that I would need from them. You always need your sisters but I hadn't needed my brothers too. They have been such a huge part of my support system. Started with Ruben, he wants me to be happy no matter whom I choose in life. Someone to be by my side no matter what. He knows I love barbeque so he makes sure to cook out when I go visit. He tells me he is happy to see how strong emotionally I am and is thankful that I've been able to independently make it. Fernando, has been there since day one by helping me with my home. I'd call him and even though he had just got off work, he would stop by to help me. He also likes to barbeque for me. He would never want me to be alone at home so he would want me to come over just to even watch TV. Jose I'd never heard him speak his mind and that night he wanted me to know he was thankful to finally see me smile. He says I'm a changed person. You can see a certain glow about you and all you need is someone to share it with. He backs me up with my life choices. I cried, I did. It was an emotional night. I'm in no hurry to find someone to love me for me. I'm just enjoying the people I get to meet along the way. Even then God has sent some interesting people my way.

My family is all I have and I have a very caring one. They will always be there for me cheering me on in the good times and be by my side in the hard struggles of life. I couldn't have asked for more.

I am well loved, well fed, and well thought of. They see me be a strong being. One day they will see me smile in a different way and they will know that it's because I'd find true happiness. God knows I deserve the best and in the meantime I am quite okay.

So I thank God everyday for always being by my side. I thank him for always finding a way to show me that he hasn't abandoned me. I thank him because the original six is continuously growing. I thank God because one thing is for sure is that I won't ever go hungry because my family loves to cook for me.

I may be poor but I am filthy rich in more ways than you can imagine. I'm truly grateful. Thank you

another year of self love

It's a subject that doesn't get discussed as it should. Maybe we don't want to hear about it or if it doesn't pertain to you personally, why care.

I learned of the movement To Write Love on Her Arms Day a couple of years back. I tried to teach others of what it meant. It was my first tattoo that I got. It meant something to me. It meant to look down at my arm as a constant reminder to love myself. You have to always love yourself. No one will love you like you love you. Only you can understand the real feelings that only you know to have. I make it aware every year to have others remind themselves that they are loved. Remind them that there is help.

There are things in life that will happen that don't go as planned. There will be failures that you didn't even think would happen. I used to think why would someone commit suicide. Why would they leave their family with such sadness. Why would they be so selfish as to take the easy way out. I'd be the one fighting to keep you here. This world is beautiful yet cruel. The world can give you everything you can desire and can easily take it all away.

I don't push the issue anymore. I do it for myself. It took the world to take something from me to have me realize that I can not have it all. I'm no one to make those decisions about ones life. I'd like to know that I'm here to hear your sorrows but I don't know what I would say. No one can determine how deep someones mind is, full of demons that allows their heart to be blocked of self love. Everyone deals with life differently. Some beings are stronger than others. Some only know to give up.

It is sad to know when someone commits this act to end the pain that they are going through. But unless you have felt that black deep pain filled with a hollow sadness then you don't know a thing. You can not judge a life. You can be mad and think about what you could have done to prevent it.

Has every single person on this earth thought about it at one point in their life? How many times? To what extent? Only the select few in my life have known the demons I've fought and at times continue to battle.

The question you should ask is, how strong can a person be to continue to struggle, living day to day and overcoming those feelings.

Don't just be the ear to listen to. Don't just be the arms to lean in for a hold. Actually be there next to them and hold their hand and try to feel just a smear pinch of what they need you to feel to understand. To understand what possibly goes through their mind that allows their heart to block the love with pain.

where did the crackers go?

I brought home some groceries the other day and left my box of crackers on the table. I only had eaten two packages from the box.

I hadn't put Sadie in a crate for months now. I had let her roam the house while I was at work. She deserved the freedom. She was enjoying this brand new freedom.

One day last week I came home to no crackers on the table. I was like.... where did my crackers go? Sadie just looked at me. I looked every where knowing something was up. Well I found two wrappers on the couch. Yes she had managed to get the box off the table and brought it to the couch to feast. Not one packaged survived from the box. I don't know how she managed to eat some of the wrappers.

I was upset but more hilariously upset than angry. I said....well Sadie you lost your freedom for a while. Into the crate you go tomorrow.

She had a birthday yesterday. She turned nine. I've had her for nine years and think about all the stuff she has lived. She has practically done all she has done as a dog and probably more than your usual dog life. She loves the beach just like her mother. She loves crackers just like her mother and she gets what she wants. A rebel like her mother.

The wrapped box of crackers

The pink cookie she licked until she knew it was safe to eat

So guess what I got for her birthday. Yup, I bought her own box of crackers and wrapped them up. I sure did. Happy Birthday Sadie you taught me that I can not ever leave anything at your mouths reach. You are one smart dog just like your mother.

How many candles do I blow

Someone didn't know when their birthday was today.

For many reasons some of us as we get older we don't celebrate birthdays. I'll give you mine as an example. The older I get the less important it is to celebrate. This year I was accompanied by my sister. I didn't expect to do anything considering the circumstances but she wanted to take me out to eat. I normally just would have gone by myself. I would have sat in a restaurant and had me an adult beverage by myself. You see that past two years even though I had a partner in my life she didn't celebrate my birthday. If it wasn't important to her then why was it important to me.

I do think birthdays are important. That's why I try my best to surprise my sisters with cake and remind my friends with a gift that they are in my thoughts on their special day. Today is my baby sisters birthday. She spent it with her husband and a play date with her son. That's all she really wanted. Last week it was my God Child's birthday so I of course had to get her a piñata.

There are so many birthdays celebrated on a daily basis. I went out to eat with my friend on Sunday and there at the restaurant they sang Happy Birthday to a birthday girl.

This is my God Child and as long as I'm alive I'll do anything for her.

I was at work when I had to ask a person when their birthday was to enter it in the system. He looked to be younger than me. He asked me if I really needed it. I said, yes. He told me he didn't know when his birth date was. I gave him that look like....really, and said "you don't know the day you were born"? He pulled out his wallet to check the date on his drivers license. Then I realized he was telling me the truth. I couldn't shake that thought out of my mine. So I responded and said "don't worry I don't celebrate my birthday either I forget how old I am at times".

He began to tell me that he lives here alone. Came to this country to help raise his siblings back home. He is the older brother and when his siblings need money he sends all that he can. His parents no longer live so he became the adult and provides for them back home. Since his parents no longer live and his family isn't here he has no reason to celebrate. He said...."why buy a cake when there is no one to share it with". So he doesn't know when he was born. He hadn't celebrated it in years. I wanted to reach out and celebrate a late birthday with him but it wasn't my place. You see my birthday is July 25 and his birthday was July 20. He was ten years younger than me and we both had that same feeling about our birthdays.

Some people have their reasons for not celebrating certain things that others will over due just to say Happy Birthday to you. One day maybe not today but when we are old we will sit alone at the table and think how old am I that no one is here anymore to wish me a happy birthday.

Make a wish and blow out the candles. In his place what would he have wished for? Think about it.

Harvey finally came out

Harvey has been hiding for awhile. I think he is the one that has taken it harder than the rest.

When parents of children split it becomes a battle for the children. Either parent will want custody, some will just walk out and never look back. In some cases you can talk to your children and let them know what is going on. In my case I either got lucky or I should have been able to have a baby. I would have not felt for me but would have put all my focus on my child. It would have given me the strength I needed to move ahead.

You see we brought into our home three dogs, four cats, and a turtle. This isn't including the ones that come to the door for food. As soon as Heather decided she wanted to move she told me she didn't want the dogs or the turtle just the cats. I was okay with it. I'm not really a cat person but because I love her I gave in. I am a Harvey person. Just something about him that sets him apart from the rest.

I've been responsible for all of them. The cats are the easiest to care for. With the dogs you have to make sure they go out to potty. Normally that big pound bag is easy to carry but now I'm having to slide it in my basket and drag it inside the house. My strength isn't good right now. I hope to gain it quickly after my surgery.

The pets in my home haven't been the same. They noticed that someone wasn't coming home. They tend to eat when we are both together so it was hard the first couple of days. The cats need the human touch. They constantly need to be held or petted. Harvey hid for days. He would come out to eat but I didn't even see him eat. He finally came out today. He came straight to me to pet him. He laid by my side on the couch. I think he finally realized his human is gone.

As humans we don't realize that our pets also go through a separation. They feel the absence of one's parent. I just hope I can handle all of them because it isn't fair to them either.

but I'm just a woman

I, on occasion, tend to help people that I would never ever want to see again. The ones that when I see God up close I'm going to say, "can I have this one time please let me just tell them how it is." The kind you don't want to hold your tongue and slap them a little without any repercussions.

I have a habit of saying the same words when helping people, so one day a few years back I did my usual one on one conversation with someone that became my customer. He began to get irritated by me and told me that I shouldn't be speaking to him in the first place because I was a woman. How should I expect him to answer me when I was but a woman. You see that is the day I might have showed him that a woman might just one up his intellectual game. You see he speaks with an accent but his English is getting better. He forgets that he is not in his home country where women are belittled. He forgets that if  I actually knew what he did for a living and I had the will power I would, and could become his boss. But I try not to let this man's way of life get to me. Because he doesn't know me and it's more out of pity to think he might have daughters and wonder how he is with his wife. Just a miserable man.

a photo I took of graffiti art down Deep Ellum

I've been sick this past week. I hate when I'm sick. I feel weak and hate that I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I don't know if Heather likes the break with social life that makes me want to hide from the world when I'm sick.

That special person came in today, the one that I always pray just a little extra when I see him. He assumes his facial position as I try not to roll my eyes while looking at him. I try not to speak to him, the less the better. I've been taking all kinds of medicines from me being sick so haven't yet fully gained my strength. I'm having to lift a big box probably fifty pounds possibly more from him dropping it off. Remember a woman to him is but an object. So he won't lift a finger to help. Just steps back to watch me struggle. But remember I prayed extra to God to not let this man see me fail. I said God help me not show weakness. I picked that box up like if it had weighed but five pounds with both my arms. He didn't say a word. He thought I couldn't do it. He thought I was but a woman. I showed him, didn't I.

You see I seem to be but just a woman. A woman without strength. A woman that would need, in his case, a man to help me. A woman that can only be allowed to cook, to clean, and to obey. But he was wrong. I am a woman that hides my strength because I only need it at times to prove that a woman can be, and is as strong as a man. So with time he will see that he is but a pitiful man. Just that...a man. For this woman had one up her sleeve. I took weight training back in my college years and even though some of my belly fat has gotten in the way I still have tricks up my sleeve. A woman can also work towards something, the same as a man.  Through weight training I proved to be just as strong or stronger than him.

So with the help of the skills and my extra praying to God, I got him today, for it was a mighty glorious but small victory. Yet the victory of a WOMAN on this national woman's day.

paper rocks scissors

It's almost late but not late enough to catch dinner at a restaurant. A family eatery, not where you go up to the counter, but have a server bring you refills and takes your order.
 

I'm facing Heather and behind her there sit two grandparents with two grand kids, a boy and a girl.
The children seem to be of ages six and eight. They engage in physical activity. They show embrace to the little ones. They sit and talk and give their attention to them as if on a date with their grand kids. I'm assuming the parents to the kids also enjoyed the evening off. They show love towards their elders as their elders do to them.  Next time I look up she is playing paper rocks scissors with her granddaughter. They stop to giggle at who won. They do this a few more times then I leave them be.

Across a table from them a father, a mother, and two teenagers I'd say ages twelve and fourteen sit.
They haven't made eye contact. They probably don't bother to ask dad how his day was from working and what mom did while they were at school or vice versa. It was just your typical evening dinner. No laughter, no communication, just all glued to their devices in their hands. You see the dad look at his daughters then look up to a blank stare. I wonder if he is thinking I hope my food comes quickly. Then slowly he begins to also share the same interest and looks down at his device. His girls are growing up without even knowing how to hold a conversation with another individual.

Have we failed ourselves by allowing us to be that boring that we have to see what others are doing just to survive.

I've been out with family and friends and I do observe who picks up the phone and wonder are you that bored with my presence that I end up having to repeat what I just said. How about saying something so meaningful to me that I want to see a reaction of what I've said but get nothing because what a total stranger said was more important than what I had to say.

Sorry I went of into a personal vent there. Generations today probably wouldn't know what its like to play paper rock scissors because they know more about the fakeness that social media really is.

I'd want that grandparents feeling at that table, the purity of innocence that the world is slowly losing more than anything, at times especially when people make me sick. I find myself slowly deteriorating life with others just to be true to myself.

Play that game next time you are in company of others, see who picks up that device first. Try to say something while making sure they have your undivided attention other than being that bored of yourself.

Do not open

The page reads, "everyone has happy and sad days just like Anne."

She talks about how mean people can be, how sometimes someone says something they don't mean to say but say it anyway. How sometimes you tell your parents something but they don't listen. She mentions how that happens sometimes but not a lot. She says you have to keep ignoring what others say in order to have happy days.

If only that was true. It doesn't matter how old you are, things people say will always bother you. I think the older I get the more I can not ignore it. How can I have happy days when the things that people say get worse. A new year and a new president, what can I expect? In one week I've heard so many negative things about the person that I am, but only because of the color of my skin. How can something derogative be ignore? Especially when it keeps being said. I expect more bad things this year than good.

I found this journal at the thrift store. I love finding other people's books. This person never finished but the first three pages of her journal. She meant to write more in it since it also read, "reward if found." Do not open written all over the front and sides. It became a forgotten book. It stood out from the rest when I was in the book section. Glanced through the pages and this is what it said. Hopefully this week it will be the same without people disliking the brown skin I'm in.

lucky enough to find baby Jesus

Remember reading of the times when three kings went looking for a special child. A child born that would be different from the rest. The child had been born and they went to find him to give him presents.

Friday was not just an ordinary day. Around one in the afternoon it began to snow. It's rare when it snows here in Texas. I happen to be at work. People would come in and tell me that they had bad news. They'd tell me there were snow flurries coming down. When the weather decides to be abnormal all I want to do is go home cuddle on the couch and watch a good movie with a cup of coffee in my hand. But that day was a little extra different. My plans were to go to my parents house and eat some bread. Didn't make it in time to do so. I ended up getting home really late. Not late for me but past my parents bedtime late. Texans get really nervous on the road when the weather is bad. We get nervous because there is someone out there that thinks they are immune to wrecks.  Someone taking risks with their life and the lives of others.  Heather and I ended up eating the bread ourselves. Some but not all. I ended up bringing some to my mom today. She was happy I did. We didn't grow up with this tradition. The kings bread (Rosca de Reyes) it is a round shaped sweet bread with the colors that represented the three kings and their presents. January six is said to have been the day the kings found the baby born, Jesus. When you buy the bread it has little babies to signify the baby Jesus. I always assumed the baby Jesus would be baked inside but times change and now the babies come separate and are placed inside right before it is cut to share. If you are lucky to get a baby Jesus from your piece, you are to make tamales and have a feast to share with your family. Some of us are lucky to not get the baby Jesus only because they don't want to host a dinner party and make tamales. I on the contrary think it is a blessing if just the thought of finding the baby Jesus. People go through life wanting to know him, and some have a hard time finding him not knowing he is always there.

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I may not know how to make tamales but I can surely buy some to have that feast. I took some of the bread to my mom today and I purposely put in a baby Jesus. Why you ask? Because she makes the best dang tamales I've ever had. I mean who doesn't love their mom's tamales, made with hard work and love. So come February if she is too tired to make some I'll buy them and bring them for the feast.

I asked Heather for a piece of three kings bread. She handed me a piece with baby Jesus right on it, I think she is giving me hints.

promising what may never come true

As a kid you say things to your parents that you mean with all your heart and promise them that it will come true when you are older.

I woke up early on my day off to make it out to see my sister with my dad. I don't get to go often as I should but when my dad is driving it helps. I've learned that I am unable to drive for longer than forty five minutes without falling asleep on the wheel. Dad started talking about the things that I said when I was little and I'd sit there trying to remember when I said it.

When I was very young I told them that when I was older I'd buy them a big house so that we could all live together. Little did I know that we would all have our own families. When I was young I said that I'd have all the money to take him to all the continents to travel the world. He'd always mentioned how it would be to see Germany and Paris. See their history and their museums. I promised him that I'd take him. We were pretty much reminiscing. I started to feel an emptiness in my self with the fact that I thought at such a young age I'd be taking him places by now. He said to me but you were young and you did mean what you said but things happen. Things did happen and some I'd like to have done differently.

It's the beginning of the year and I was already planning in my mind how differently I'd do the holidays when I realized it's still going to be a long year and I don't know if I'll still have a birthday myself or one more Christmas with them here. I realized that as the days go by the less time I have with my parents. My dad will be seventy years old and my mom sixty-six this year. They both still work because that is all they know to do. My dad tried the retirement thing, but didn't enjoy it. He was missing the idea that he still had to be useful. My mom can retire but says that if she can still work why not. But time is still running out.

A woman lost her husband on Christmas day this year 2016. On Christmas day, no one is ever prepared for something like this. Four days later she was telling me of his death. I believe it hadn't really set in, that fact that her husband was gone.

I hadn't noticed because I always drive my dad around. I'd drive him around, not because he couldn't, but more of the idea that I believe all parents at one point enjoy to be driven by their children. I noticed today that my dad is getting slower at driving on the freeway. He has become one of those people that get complained on for driving slow on the freeway. That his hands aren't steady on the wheel anymore. That they shake. My time is running out. My time of promises may not ever come true. He may never see that Eiffel Tower or set foot on the grounds of the holocaust concentration camps. He is a history man and is determined to buy a Pearl Harbor movie to watch. Then it hit me, I hope I can have him again this Christmas.

Maybe I will get lucky enough to take him on that promised trip.